


Mossy Egg

by snakewitharms



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eggs, Other, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snakewitharms/pseuds/snakewitharms
Summary: Moss uses a fucking egg to jack off
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Mossy Egg

**Author's Note:**

> This is a self insert, but I would never do this irl I swear. Pls I have enough slander. I just wanted to write something wacky.  
> Also I use she/they/clown/it, but I'm just gonna use they here for the sake of simplicity.  
> goddamn this is like my third time writing shit it kinda ass tbh  
> also yeah idk how to write good so any shit thats like first perspn dialogue without quotations are thoughts

Moss woke up to the sound of discord notifications from their phone. Ugh it’s probably that stupid server that dumbass you barely talk to anymore had you join, they though. Why the hell isn’t it muted yet? And what time is it? My head is killing me. They cracked their eyes open to see what was up on their phone.  
Yup, it was that stupid server.  
AND IT WAS ALREADY 12:27!! THIS DUMBASS SLEPT PAST NOON!!!  
Oh well. There’s no use in being upset about something like that. At least I got my eight hours of rest.  
Something was eating at Moss, though. This stupid morning wood. Fuck i couldn’t jack off last night either…  
This discomfort in their pants.  
This pain.  
It was ridiculous. But whatever, they could ignore it for now. For now, Moss needed to get something to eat.  
They walked out into the living room. Looks like nobody else is home. Well, except for the dog. Moss checked Life360 on their phone. Their older brother was at work, and their parents and little brother were out, too. They suppose nobody’s gonna be back for a while. Perfect! That meant more alone time for Moss to do whatever they want without any of the disruptions of such an infuriating family life.  
First up is to make breakfast- or rather lunch? Brunch, they decided. It was a lot easier to cook without any family crowding the small kitchen of their apartment. But what to make to eat?  
They decided on an egg sandwich.  
There were only two eggs left in the fridge. One regular egg. One egg with a face drawn onto it. A face that was oddly… flirtatious?  
“Huh, weird. Let’s- let’s put you back in the fridge for now… I can do with one egg for my meal”, they said.  
Moss placed the strange looking egg back and started cooking. If only their friends could see how well they could cook at home. They’d surely be impressed by how this mediocre home chef can crack an egg one handed. No sweat.  
But then it came back. That annoying boner and urge to choke the chicken. Moss suppressed that urge once more. They wouldn’t let the horny take over their life. Not now at least. Now was time for a tasty egg sammich.  
Mmmmm eggs. There’s so much you can make with eggs, and they taste so good.  
Then the memory came back to moss. A sickening memory that hit them like a bus. They remembered a post where some idiot used a raw egg as lube to jack off with. Just thinking about it made Moss want to gag. Absolutely disgusting. And didn’t the poor fool end up with salmonella, too.  
Do it, pussy. Don’t you wanna find out how it is?  
Those revolting, intrusive thoughts. Uhhhh no thanks, they thought, I think I'd rather not do that.  
But that damn urge to masturbate. It just wouldn’t quit… It had been a solid week since they last touched themselves. Moss needed this release. Besides, there was something so compelling about this idea. Curiosity was getting the best of them. This disgusting, horny desire was a spider, and Moss was a little fly about to get themselves stuck in this spider’s sticky web. It’s not like this would be the worst thing they’ve done experimenting with food. Or at least they’d hope it won’t be too bad…  
“Aw, fuck it”, they muttered to themselves. Moss sat up from the chair and walked to the fridge and grabbed the egg with a face. They checked their phone to see if anyone would be home soon. Looked like nobody would be home for a few hours. Moss was in the clear.  
“Just you and me now… just you and me”, they said aloud. Perhaps it was to the egg which kept glaring at Moss with such a lustful gaze. Perhaps it was to the shame Moss knew they would soon have to face if they actually go through with such a distasteful act.  
Moss walked back to their bed. They’re stomach was churning at the idea of using an egg as lube to stroke their rock hard cock. It was sickening. But something about it was oddly arousing.  
They sat back down in bed and in their left hand reached for the phone, loading up porn to watch. Surely this would at least distract Moss from what they were going to do.  
And with everything else prepared, Moss took one last deep breath.  
Well here we fucking go, I guess…  
They cracked open the seductive looking egg into their right hand, discarding the shell into a garbage bin to the side. It was a large egg, almost spilling out of their hand onto the bed.  
With hesitation, Moss slowly grasped at their throbbing member with egg in hand. The cold sensation made them give off a soft whimper. Chills went up their spine. The feeling was shocking… but it wasn’t bad. No, it was actually quite pleasant, much to their surprise. There was something about the texture and temperature that was so unexpectedly appealing. The cold touch, cooling their raging heat. The sensation was pleasant, and Moss grew even harder. The thick, slimy egg was slick, sliding up and down Moss’s shaft. It was almost as if they were slathered in lube and not fresh produce.  
It had just been five minutes of sloshing the egg back and forth across their member. At this point was it even still an egg? Five minutes in and the egg was now a single pale yellow slime. Like an egg whisked so you can make scrambled eggs or an omelette. The goop was now losing its cool feeling, robbing the heat from their crotch. It began mixing with the precum dribbling from Moss’s tip. The warm egg and precum mixture was spilling out from their grip. Egg seeped down to their balls, and droplets made their way to the bedsheets. Moss didn’t care about that.  
With every stroke their breath grew heavier and heavier. This felt like pure ecstasy.  
Hahhhh shit. This feels so good. God, I’m so fucked up.  
Letting out little moans, Moss could feel themselves getting closer and closer. An egg was really going to make them climax.  
Moss reached out their empty left hand. They grabbed a tissue as not to make any mess when they cum. Not like it mattered, anyway. There was already a huge mess from egg dripping down to the sheets. And they were about to add onto that mess. The tissue didn’t help much. It must have been from not cumming for a week and the sensation of how the egg felt, but Moss came hard. Harder than usually. So hard the head of their cock began to ache slightly. Semen shot right through the folded tissue, leaking onto their hand. Their right hand was filthy, drenched in a slurry of cum and eggs. They had to clean this up, grabbing more tissues with the clean left hand.  
Moss started to wipe up the mess they made all over their crotch and hand. Not to mention they would have to clean the bed, too. A few tissues weren’t even enough to wipe all the egg and semen. They would need more than that to clean the bed.  
Intense guilt and disgust began to wash over Moss.  
“Jesus Christ… I’m fucking pathetic”  
That primal urge had been satiated. Sexually, they were satisfied, but inside they felt empty. A depressing wave of emptiness hit Moss, regretting the past ten minutes or so.  
Moss stares into space, ashamed of what had just transpired. No normal person would do this, so why did they? What the fuck is wrong with me? Finally, they sat up. The sheets would have to be cleaned, so they pulled them off the bed and chucked it into the washer. Thank god the egg hadn’t touched the bed itself for the most part.  
There was no more evidence of what happened. Nobody would ever know what they did. Moss couldn’t simply shake the feelings of regret and the horrible imagery.  
A shower will help. A shower always makes Moss feel better, so that’s exactly what they decided to do. Of course they made sure to wash their bits more than usual. The smell of dick isn’t the most appealing smell, so no use in making it smell like egg, too.  
The hot water touched their back. It’s always so soothing. Moss could finally relax and think about other things. They could finally move past what they did with an egg.  
One thing still lingered in the back of Moss’s mind, though.  
What am I gonna do if I actually get salmonella… ? How would I explain that to mom and dad… ?


End file.
